The funny thing is you know you were expecting this is gonna happen. But then why are you still so hurt? Aren't expecting painful stuffs like this are supposed to get you ready for it? Instead, you feel even worse than before? Well, we all have that one person who we thought they were special and different from the others but turned out to be exactly the same or worse than the others. You just couldn't do anything but to just let it flow like it is supposed to. Easy? No. Nobody said it will be easy. Yes, my posts are all about heartbreaking overly emotional stuffs but I don't believe that none of my readers never felt heartbroken before. I'm here telling you that you are not the only one hurting and yes, if you are still going around with a smile, you are a strong person.
"If anyone ask, I'll tell them we both just moved on. When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk. Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue. Pretend I'm okay with it all. Act like there's nothing wrong."
It feels like a very long time being away from that one special species. It's not easy. He used to be my routine. We would talk about anything and everything. We would argue and then laugh about it, sometimes. I knew somehow in my heart that this isn't gonna last. But then he convinced me that our friendship and routines will but yeah. The arguments we had lately weren't something that we could fix. Well, at least I want to. It was painful for me. I don't think he even felt it. I know he's going thru something at home or somewhere I don't know. I just wish he wouldn't let it affect him so badly cause somehow I felt it.
Honestly, I really tried stopping. I've been trying to stop it since he decided to "change". But I can't. I don't know why and it's so frustrating cause it's hurting me inside. It's not that I chose to feel these stuffs. There's just something wrong about me that I can feel certain peoples feelings without me realizing it. Especially when I could really connect to that someone. It's not a life choice that I chose okay? I"m just simply born with it. It's up to you to believe it or not though.
It's been 3 days now, since we last talked or is it more? I don't know. I didn't really keep track. I went to school yesterday just to give my paintings to the teachers. I see him so happy with those girls sitting behind him. I just couldn't bare. I'm not jealous. But how could I stand seeing that I'm no longer the reason for his laughs and smiles anymore? He's so happy without my presence. Apparently he found himself a replacement for me. Maybe they can make him happier, I don't know. Well, I'm happy that he is. Maybe his life is easier without me these days till he decided to just call it off on our routine.
So here's the heartbreaking part. I miss him. I miss how our little routines and weird coincidence happens. I miss every tiny little detail about our petty conversations that never seem to end. I miss how happy we both were and just enjoying each others company. Yesterday I woke up after a really bad dream cause I thought it was real. I cried. After all the times I held on, I burst out silently. Maybe it's a karma for me. I'm not a good person, who am I kidding? He chose to leave, what else can I do? I just spend my nights tearing, sobbing and focusing on my studies and distract myself during the day.
It's even heartbreaking to even type this out. Maybe you somehow coincidentally clicked my blog and is currently reading this, I just wanna say, I'm sorry for whatever I said or did to make you unhappy. It doesn't make me feel any better either. I'm brutally honest when I'm in pain, you know that. I just miss, well it's not worth saying it anymore. I'll always have a soft spot for you though. The connection? I'm still working on it. No matter how sad or happy I am, I always wished that you were there. How you told me that no matter what you still care. No matter what. I guess even arguing and fixing won't save this huh? Sigh
You still are the dopest and special one of a kind species I know. The things that I see when I look at you. Wish I could show you but yeah. One thing for sure, Nothing is going to change that person I see in you. Nothing.
"If anyone ask, I'll tell them we just grew apart. What do I care if they believe me or not. Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart. I'll pretend that I'm okay with it all. Act like there's nothing wrong."
