I'm the problem.

It's hard to live when your past still scares you so much. No matter how you try to love him, there's this fear that you have. That fear of everything is gonna hurt you. That promise you made to yourself that you'll never hurt again. You'll never cry for the same thing again. Passing by the days with full of fears and having no confidence of believing the same thing. Not believing that the happiness that your past used to give will ever come again.

And there life goes playing around with your book again. Creating a new character to a chapter. There he goes stepping in your book. Suddenly, everything changes. He makes you feel so shy. So fuzzy and warm. You started to fall for him. At first you thought that it's just another desperation of yours. But it keeps lasting. Even the arguments and the pain. The relationship is still lasting. You wanna open up. So badly that it came out wrong.

Your heart just can't decide. Whether to put it out there or not. Then you remember the 1st time he held your hand and look right to you and smiled. That smile. The first time he hugged you. His arms wrapped around you and he stroked your hair. That kiss he gave on your forehead. The way he offered to lean on his chest and his arms around your waist. That moment. That one moment you felt like everything just stopped. Just you and him.

But you're still paranoid. Still being the same selfish overprotective bitch. Now he feels that you don't love him. Doubting. Questions. He's hurt. So hurt that it wasn't love anymore. So hurt that he cries to himself to bed. Loving you so much that it hurts. But there you go still pointing the blame at him. So clueless of how you hurt him so much. Punishing him for what your past did to you. By the time you realized, it's already too late.

You cry. You cry so hard. Not being able to forgive yourself. Accepting all your mistakes in one night. Now you don't what to do. So confused. Your heart just went back to the way it was 2 years ago. Broken in pieces. Shattered. But you didn't mind cause his pain was much more worse. And you just sat there blogging about it. Thinking of what have you become. When the problem have always been you. Not him but you.

So here it is, I'll promise you. I'll put away my fear. I'll take the risk of letting my heart out there for you. I love you. I've been loving you from the 1st day we're together. I did so much mistakes but somehow my heart always wants you. I'm not afraid to say. That you are the reason why forever still exists in my life. You are every bit of the reasons why I survived everyday. But if it hurts too much, I want you to leave me. Leave me and find someone better. 

I might not show how much I love you, but I do. I really do. I admitted I never felt anything like this before. You are my life. You are every bit important to me. Forgive me in everything.

I love you, Jason. Only you from the start till forever.