So, how should I start this? I made a pretty firm decision about what I want. My relationship. I was so certain. Cause after what happened with nickname : Jacob, I knew there wasn't anything left for me. So I've made the decision to be with J cause I know wanna be with him. But Jacob, he comes and goes. I put him aside and concentrate on the relationship that's already been going on for 5 months. I wanted to work things out on what I already have.
But then again,Jacob comes. He comes and he makes me feel so happy. In that short period, I feel like it's the 1st time I fell for someone again. That happiness that he brings me is so different. I mean I am happy with the relationship I have now but it's different when I'm with him. Jacob gave me something that nobody can. I feel comfortable with him even we're just chatting. I don't know. He likes to mess with my brain.
Elaine said I was never sure of what I want with J and she said I'm being denial. Well, very denial. When we were talking about him, I told Elaine about my music player that's been acting so weird. Previously, I made a playlist for Jacob. Then, when things got a bit off, I deleted it. First, I deleted it from library only. It keeps appearing back to my playlists. So, I deleted it from library and computer. Still, it came back.
So, I deleted it from library, computer and also the trash bin. It's already a 100% sure that it won't come back. It didn't, for some time. Suddenly, it appeared back this week. Guess what? Jacob came back at the same time too. Oh gosh. It's creeping me out,seriously. Elaine said that I'm going thru what she went thru. But I keep denying. Cause I'm scared. Really, I am :( I gotta hide it. I can't show cause I want him in my book. I want him to be the main character.
Maybe I'm still confused. Or what. I don't know =.=" He's Leo and I'm Aquarius. He's fire and I'm air. We suit well. I just love how our convo goes :) He makes me so undeniably happy. We can talk about almost everything and he understands me so well. Even talking about him makes me so happy. He gives me no pain. Except the pain of missing him of course. I miss how we used to talk everyday and he didn't mind.
But then again, fear is always there. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing him. Fear of pain. Fear of not having someone you really want. Denial is always in the way of how I'm gonna make my decisions. Denial will be there to keep me from admitting and being weak in front of him. Only my heart knows. Sigh.
These are the convos we have that is one of my fave for now :)
Convo 1 :D
See! The best part that he knows that I need him =.="
Convo 2 :D
He's a pretty smart guy =.=" It is him. Not breaking my heart but I miss him so much.
