December.

Never the best month for me this year. Damn pissed with so many things. Especially my family. Well, stepfamily. I dont get it. They wanna stay here and they make a big fuss about everything. I had to clean the damn toilet they used. It's effing dirty and disgusting. And who simply goes into people's room without even knocking? Gosh. Why? And how mom stand these people? Well, they are finally and officially went back. I guess? Well, they better. Cause I can't stand them any longer. With those faces, complaining and talking behind backs stuffs.

Nevermind about that. This month, I lost one person who I used to call a brother. I knew Jason didn't like him for a bigger reason. Yeap, I chose not to talk to Abel. Not for now at least. After what happened, I can't let go of it. I'm saying this the last time, I will never love anyone unless that someone is him. Not you Abel. No matter how nice you treat me, you can't force someone to love you even you go around throwing yourself at that person. What happened was just something I couldn't forgive myself. I feel so traumatized! Even when I sleep, it keeps coming back. I stopped you and acted everything was fine cause I dont wanna hurt you. My weakness, always being too nice to people.

I stopped you cause I know you are not the one for me but you can find someone who's perfect for you. Because of what happened, i cant look at myself the same way. I feel scared when i wanna talk to you and any other guys now, always having that very strong insecure feeling. I trusted you and you broke it. I know how it feels like to be desperate. Wanting that one thing that you can never have. I effing know. But not this way dude. Not by throwing yourself at me. Imagine how am I gonna explain to him? Whether he's gonna understand like how elaine does? I'd even told you before that my heart belongs to him and nobody else. Even he knows it! We're just letting time to bring us together.

I treat you a bit friendly and you think i like you. I treated you as a bro. I stated it CLEARLY. You could ask him how i treat him and how i treat you. Its different! Its different cause the way i treat him, i put my heart out for him. Why can't you understand? Like how many gazillion times should I tell you? Because of you, i feel so dirty. Like i dont deserve to be his anymore. Every little special thing is gone cause you took it away! You took almost everything that was pure to me :'( how can I ever forgive myself? How? :'( how will he ever understand? TELL ME ABEL?! TELL ME HOW I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF?! :'( TELL ME HOW WILL HE EVER UNDERSTAND??!!! :'( I feel like a whore. A slut.

No matter how many times I try to wash it away, nothing is the same way again. Nothing will be the same. I'm feeling even more miserable than before. Maybe I should stay away from people. I cant find a way to let go of this. can you see how much pain you put me into? I simply cant think of how you are hurting cause you have nothing to lose, you effing bitch! Just the thought of it makes me sick! You and everything! You destroyed everything. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY?! :'( whyyyyy? :'( I HATE YOU!!!